When you break up…what about…

…The Kids?

I think break-ups can be messy. When kids are involved it can be even messier. I can dig it. I do however think some people want mess. I know that may sound silly, but I am just saying. If you are with someone for years and kids are involved, it can be hard on the adult when the relationship ends. The adult doesn’t even have to be a biological parent.

I seem to hear and/or read a lot about lesbians being torn to pieces because their ex won’t let them see the kids. Again, I understand they were close to the child/ren or they had a bond with the kids. I don’t understand when they can’t let it go though. This may sound really insensitive.

Some of these women were in relationships for like 3 months and now they can’t seem to move on after the break up — because of the kids. Really? Please, cut it out. I know you have grown to know, love, understand or relate to her children — but it’s over. Even if they were together for years, I don’t think the mother of the children has an obligation to keep the ex around. If you are not the other parent and you have not been around for a significant amount of time, you have to roll with the punches. The bad talking about the ex keeping the kids away should cease.

It’s like the left-out-ex wants some pity or something. Or they want to be seen like some “Captain Save-A-Single-Mother” or something. What really kills me is when this ex is the one that ruined the relationship and then thinks the mother of the child is wrong for keeping the kids away. What?

Some personal examples:

I have a friend who had a girlfriend for like a year or two. The girl had a young son and was also bi. She had been with women, but never had a relationship. Basically just sex and fun. This was her first relationship with a lesbian.

Her son’s father had a key to her house and was still involved. I personally do not believe in running a man away from his children. Him being involved was not a bad thing to me. The problem was he would “pop-up” all the time. My friend couldn’t come over when he was there. He didn’t like my friend… understandable. I thought this whole thing was a waste of time and it was clear to me they were still sleeping together. There was probably had some kind of of “hiccup” in their relationship, but there was still love and a child involved.

I think my friend thought she could make her a lesbian. I don’t care how many times you have sex, if she is bi, chances are she won’t become a lesbian. If she does — it will take time. Time for her to get all the penis out of her system. 

My friend LOVED her and LOVED the heck out of her son. I mean, she was happy as can be. Even though the relationship was going NO WHERE. When they broke up, she was still hanging around for the “son.” She would still give her money. She would still do things for them. When she moved away, she would spend thousands of dollars going to visit them, even though she had a new boyfriend.

I thought my friend should let them go. She really loved the boy and would do anything to still be able to see him. They were not going to be together and she needed to stop wasting time and money on the woman. BUT, she kept at it because of the child. They NEVER got back together. But, that woman can call at anytime and be first in line of any other woman in the picture.

Let it go.

I myself dated a woman for about 6 months. I guess you could say it was an intense 6 months because of the amount of time we spent together. She spent a lot of time with my kids too. She watched them, she cooked for them and she just hung out with them. They liked her and she liked them as well. Well, she messed up the relationship and I broke it off. I never mentioned her name again to the kids. She was the past. They mentioned her a few times for like a month. Then she went into their memory banks.

She used to call, text, email etc. She ALWAYS brought up the kids. She missed the kids, are the kids still doing this and that? She would never hurt the kids. Blah…blah..and a few more blahs for the road. She even emailed me the other day to wish me “Happy Holidays.”  In the email she plugged an “inside joke” and wanted me to wish the kids a Merry Christmas. Then she sent me a text — just in case my email had changed. I wonder if she thought I would let her come around because she “didn’t do anything” to the kids? Yea, well, I never let her see my kids again. She texted me after the break up saying she wanted to see my kids and and she would be in my neighborhood. I told her no.

The relationship was over and I don’t think we were together long enough for her to still be able to have a relationship with my kids. Kids are not property. People shouldn’t get to hang around “for the kids.” I think you really have to consider what is best for both you and the children.

What do you guys think? Should you let people stay around because they have bonded with your children? Should the length of the relationship play a part in the decision? If the person wronged you, but were good to your kids, should you let them still have a relationship? Do you think people “use” kids as an excuse to do certain things? If someone treated you like shit, would you still stay around for THEIR child?

6 Comments

  1. Some very tough questions! Should you let them stay because they’ve bonded with the kids? No, I really don’t think so because if that person bonded with them, someone else could, too. The only drawback to this is having the kids see your front door turn into a revolving door and they finding themselves having to get adjusted to a ‘lot’ of new people. If they wronged you… well, that depends on whether the welfare of your kids is more important than your feelings of being wronged. But, I’d say that most people would say no to that one, too.

    People have always used their kids as an excuse for something but mostly for maintaining the relationship; likewise, it’s not unknown for a woman to get pregnant and think that having a baby is going to save the relationship.

    Would I stay around? Eh, I’m not sure; I’d have to say that depended on the bond between me and the child and the need to provide them, in my case, with a father figure; I could ignore being treated like shit for the sake of the child but, remember, I don’t get mad – I get even.

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    1. Great response, thanks! It is beyond me when women think babies will keep a man. I never believed that lie. Having a revolving door is definitely not good. You have to be cautious with you let spend time with your children to begin with.

      Personally, I have to be with you for a pretty long time for me to stick around for your kids if I was wronged me. I’m just saying, I would rather cut my loses, if I didn’t put that kind of co-parenting time in.

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  2. This chic seem to have been emphasizing kids kids kids too much. It’d actually annoy me the way she was acting.

    As for the questions at the end; very difficult to answer (at least for me).

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  3. I think if I had kids I’d wait a year before I would let her spend any time with them. I know a year doesn’t guarantee anything but at least you should have a good idea if the relationship will last for a good length of time or not by then.

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  4. I have a nice long response for this lol…I think I have been on both sides of this stick. I was with this chick who was still attached to her ex gf…her excuse for still communicating with the girl was “my son loves her”..I use to be like..girl he doesn’t even mention her name until you bring her up…(and you’re right..if you dont bring up your ex-the kids wont either)….she just wanted to have a reason to keep in touch with the ex..

    empytwayz…so she use to disappear for days and I would be left to take care of her son…at first I tried not to get attached because I knew her and I would eventually end, but being forced to change myself and put this child’s needs before my own caused me to become attached. After I was done with being stupid I left her alone. She use to call me crying talking about her son missed me and he started acting up really bad in school because of it. I beat that situation away with a long stick..I cared about the boy but if I had to deal with her I didn’t want any type of relationship with him…the crap that she put me through made it easy for me to just forget about the both of them and move on…

    Then I met someone who I loved with everything I had inside of me. I loved her unconditionally…she had a daughter and I loved her too. I treated her like she was my daughter. She use to ask me if we ever broke up would I cut off all communication with her daughter. I said no, because I felt like even if we didn’t make it, we could still be great friends. She was happy with my response because she claimed thats how she would want it to be. Well the break up eventually happened. I wont say it was solely her fault but I still wanted to be with her. She really didn’t have a good reason as to why we shouldn’t be together…I think she just felt like she was missing something in the single world.. she use to try to beat me away with the leave us the eff alone stick….I would still send her daughter gifts for the holidays and celebrations. I would call to see if she received them and she wouldn’t answer or respond to my texts. When the smurf movie came out I called her and asked if I could take her daughter to see it..her response was-no get over it, we aren’t about to have family time. I was pissed- I told her that I didn’t say anything about her coming, just her daughter because I was babysitting one of my friends daughters and I thought it would be fun if I brought someone her age to the movies with us. So I cut all ties. It did hurt me because I felt like I put a lot of time and energy into the relationship with her and her daughter…. A year later (10 months ago) after she was done being a hoe she called me talking about she missed me and her daughter missed me..I didn’t care and still don’t. She calls me every other day now talking about her daughter wants to say hi..I just pretend like I dont hear her and rush her off of the phone…so I am confused about this..

    One minute some lesbians with children want their partners to accept the fact that they have children and love them like they were theirs, promise to never cut the kids out of the picture if they break up, then when the break up happens all of that changes..so now I tell women from the beginning..don’t expect me to alter my life because you have children. If she cant go on vacation with me because she has children, then I guess I will go on vacation alone or with my friends. Now I keep my feelings in check. Some women get offended, but I let them know..no one is going to take care of you or ur children but you…no one is going to love them more than you… and God. I dont have any children-you do…am I wrong for carrying on like this? ..or should I just care for the children until we break up…

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    1. Well, it sure isn’t nice to leave your lady behind during vacation time. You have to be understanding. You have to really see what is best for you. I love kids, but I don’t think you should hand around only because of that reason. Women he use their kids as pawns are really sad.

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