I tried to talk to a woman…today!

The story:

My kids were scheduled to take the NYC Gifted and Talented test today. I had one scheduled for 10:30am and another at 2:00pm. I was hoping they let me get them both tested at the same time though. Per usual…I was running late. I wanted to get there 15 minutes early like the paper suggested  But, I didn’t remember until last night to print the paper. The paper also said…to bring the paper. Am I the only one that skims their emails? I finally read the whole thing last night. I had the email for like 2 months. Blah. I don’t have a printer at home. Why should I? I can just use the one at work…along with their ink, right? Yea, I thought so too, but being on vacation from work has said otherwise. All of a sudden I have a bunch of shit to print while at home.

I sent my sister the emails last night and asked her to print it for me. I was hoping her raggedy printer made just TWO copies, lol. I woke up, what I thought was early enough and I still arrived at 10:29am. By arrive… I meant parked the car. I still had to walk half of a block and try 3 doors before getting in. Would it had killed them to put up a sign? Look at me blaming the people.

When I went inside the testing site, which is a school, I saw the cutest School Safety Officer. I asked her if I was in the right place for the test and she told me “yes.” She handed me a number and told me to go to the auditorium. Cool. I made eye contact with her and I was getting a little gay-vibe. I think I wanted to get a gay-vibe. Maybe, it was the NYPD Police uniform.

She was a light brown skin woman. She had a hair cut.  You know…barber shop style. She had the nicest smile. Her teeth were perfect. I always notice the smile. It is my thing. She had a tattoo on her wrist that was peeking from under her sleeve. I couldn’t tell what it was though. She didn’t appear to have any makeup on. She was feminine  Although she had on the police officer uniform, she looked really feminine. Her voice was really soft and feminine. Her eyes…her face…even the hair cut looked feminine. The uniform didn’t hide her breasts sitting pretty either. She was thick, but not fat and a little taller than me. The woman was ka-yute!

After I set the kids up with the test, I took a seat with the other parents. They don’t let the parents go into the testing room. This is a test you sign up to take and then you try to prepare your child as much as possible. You just hope they pass. You can sign them up every year if you want and I will. I figure, why the hell not? The gifted and talent program may afford them more opportunities. I really like my daughter’s current school and my youngest is guaranteed a seat next year. I like the fact that it is a dual langauge school and she learns Hebrew as a second language. Everyone knows that Jewish people run New York, so there is nothing wrong with opening a few more doors around here. So, even if they don’t pass, they will be in a school I already like.

Anyway, that was that…lol.

I decided to get up from the auditorium. I asked her if there were any stores around there to get coffee. I knew where the stores were. I am familiar with the neighborhood, lol. My daughter goes to school a few blocks away. She told me how to get to the store. She told me what I would see and what they sold around there etc. I then walked to the store — the one I was planning on going to anyway. As I walked I said “Shit, I should have asked her if she wanted something.” I should have asked, right? Eh, I forgot.

After I made my cup of coffee, I decided to get her a croissant and a Tropicana Orange Juice. I didn’t know if she drank coffee or tea, so I figured what I bought would be safe. If she said no, I would give it to the kids. Good idea right? Yea, I thought so too. When I went back into the school, she asked if I found the store okay. I said “Yes and I bought you something. I figured you wouldn’t be able to get up for a while.” She said thank you a few times and she seemed to appreciate the gesture. I said “it is a croissant and orange juice, I hope you like it.” She thanked me again.  I went back to the auditorium — on some smooth shit. I didn’t try to “talk” to her or anything.

Once the kids were finished, I was getting them ready to leave. This little Asian woman started talking to me about the test. She wanted to know more about the process. I am familiar with the process because my daughter took the test 2 years ago and passed 1 of the 2 sections and my nephew aced the test. So, I know something about getting into the program. I was putting her on to how it works. She had a lot of questions. She actually came to acclimate her daughter to the building. Her daughter doesn’t even take the test for another 3 weeks. But, she brought her to make her comfortable, so she won’t be shy on test day. Good Idea. I am telling you guys, it isn’t that Asian kids are so smart — their parents do shit like that. I told her I have been practicing with my kids with the practice test from the Department of Education. She bought a $130 book to help her 4 year old. Shit is real out here. I am telling you guys, it isn’t about how smart your kid is. It is about doing all of this kind of stuff. A part of me wanted to ask to borrow it real quick, lmao. But I didn’t though. She gave me a site and told me it was $40 a month. I have to check it out. She said she heard good things about it.

Anyway, as I was leaving the building, I wanted to try to get the Officer’s number. But, the Asian woman was still talking. I was like damn, she is blowing this for me. I had it all planned out. There was a little Christmas set up in the corner and I knew the kids would want to go look/play with it. I would let them and then I would stand by the desk and ask her for her number or something. But, “little ol’ $130 book” wouldn’t let up. I could tell she was nervous about the testing, but damn go home and study. The vibe was all wrong, so I didn’t ask for her number. I did ask her if “it was good” though. She said “I didn’t eat it yet, I am going to save it for later.” Then she said “Do you work school safety too?” I said “No.” She said “Oh, because other School Safety Officers know how it is.” I said “I didn’t see anyone working with you and I figured you didn’t have anyone to relive you.” She said “you were right, you are a blessing. Thanks, again.”

Then I left the building with “chatty-pants.” I am sure she had a husband at home; I am trying to get a spouse too! I know she has a husband, because Asian people don’t break up. LMAOOO! I am just being silly yall, I am really not this stereotypical, teehee.

I let the kids play in the playground for a while with the woman and her kid. I let them run around for a few minutes, then I said adios to the woman and went to the car. I decided to go back in the building and talk to the Officer. I had to at least try, right? I wanted to know if she was single, then I would play it by ear. I decided, why the hell not!

I went back in the building and said “I wanted to asked you…are you single?” Yep, I came right out and asked! Do you see the balls on this guy? LMAOOOOOOO! She looked at me and said “yes.” She covered her mouth and kind of laughed, kind of shy-like, or embarrassed or something. The “yes” sounded like…Yes, but why would this girl want to know? She was cute about it though. So, with that vibe I said, “Are you straight?” I said it like…don’t tell me you’re straight! She said “yes” to being straight. I said “Ah, man!” Then I told her “I had to know, because I think you’re beautiful.” She said “thank you.” She looked flattered — still straight though. Well, I was done here. As the police say “Nothing to see here…keep it moving.” Then she said something about thanks again, have a nice day, get home safe…something to that effect. She was really friendly and sweet. I told her thanks as I was walking to the door. She said “I love your scarf.” I said “thanks, my sister made it.” She told me she knits too. Good to know — I  guess.

I should have known for certain she was straight, when she asked if I was also a School Safety Officer too. That is some straight girl shit. A gay girl would have never asked that question. She would have known exactly what was up. The fact that she asked that, meant she was oblivious to the fact I liked her at all. Am I a School Safety Officer too?

Shut up. 

Yep, I tried to get with a straight girl…


  1. Damn I like how bold and smooth you were..lls you Barack Obama’d that ass…(made a woman lose her whole mind, before she realized what was going on she had already gone out of character-showing her true emotions-giggling n shit…not common for a police officer)…she ain even know what to say afterwards..she had to quickly find something that is a piece of who you are and compliment it, without suggesting that she was interested….I like your scarf?????? what she really wanted to say was…Id like to see you wearing nothing but that scarf..lmao sike nah

    .even though she is “straight” I think you left a nice impression…I always say that every woman is curious, it just takes the right person to spark that interest….she is probably pondering the idea now..probably got that girls panties wet…smh….if you were to see her again I bet she would want more of you…but who really has time for a newbie???? she might go through a confused stage…then be really attached…then start acting crazy….emptywayz…:::Taking notes:::: lol- i mean I might catch myself single one day…and may need to use some of these tactics to make a woman swoon…


  2. I really laughed out loud at Asian people never breaking up. That’s funny.
    I thought it was pretty bold for you to go the car and still go back and try. You’re right, if you had not tried at all, you would’ve had that little incessant demon in your ear whispering all the smooth words you could have said to her…that was a nice gesture either way of bringing her back something for breakfast.
    LMAO at her trying to have a conversation as you were walking away. Maybe next time!


  3. Lol oh hell I thought her asking was code for “are you fam?” I mean she was in uniform and may have been trying to be discreet. Just saying but nice holla *thumbs up*


  4. Ok quick question on the art of seducing women.

    Ok, from your perspective (a Lesbian’s), is there certain signs you look for to tell if a girl is open to be seduced by another girl, or is it just a random process, hit and miss? Is there a structure to this like we PUA’s have a format to seducing women?


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