We got tested and…

…she told me she had AIDS.

Story:

I was dating a woman a few years back. I met her online and we started talking on the phone about a week later. Our conversations were really good and I enjoyed our talks. Although, I lived in Brooklyn, I was out-of-town, when we started talking. She asked when we would be able to meet in person. I let her know, we can meet when I get back in town. We continued talking until — we actually met.

The conversation was so easy and nice; I love interactions that just flow, you know? We were getting to know each other every day. We did a lot of texting and talking for a few weeks. Once, I was back in town, we set up the meeting. We went out to dinner and talked some more. She was a boi and adorable. I am a sucker for a nice smile and nice teeth. She had the cutest smile.

Things were going pretty good. We liked each other, had great conversations and were attracted to each other. We actually spoke on the phone for hours at a time. Literally, all day long some days.

I am big on getting tested. I am on team “know your status!” So, obviously I brought that up and she agreed to get tested. Okay, so far so good. I made an appointment with my doctor and she was going to make one with her doctor. She had a crazy schedule and she didn’t have a primary doctor. I forget the reason; It was something about new insurance or something.

On one of her days off, I went to her house. We were going to spend the day together. Well, one thing led to another and she went down on me. Yes, I know, we didn’t even get tested yet! But, I don’t know, I went with the flow. I may have figured, I know I don’t have “it” and I am NOT going down on her, so I rationalized. Maybe, I was just horny? Very well could be. After all the kissing etc, things started to get a little heated.  Honestly, I couldn’t even get off or really get into it. In my mind, I couldn’t relax enough. I am pretty nervous about these things. But, I didn’t stop her though. Then she gets up and gets into a body to body position. I was about to tell her, no we can’t go this far. I have some nerve right? The woman just lapped me like a puppy, and now I want to talk about slowing down? I am just saying though. I know better, right? I swear things happened so damn fast. She was so worked up, she just started grinding on me. I swear like 5 seconds later, she “came.” I didn’t even have time to move or stop. I thought she was getting situated, or maybe more kissing. I was like — shit! The real problem was, when she was a total “squirter.” That by itself was new to me.

So, here I am laying in her bed like “damn.” I didn’t even get off. This was totally NOT worth the stress, I am about to put myself though.I didn’t stress it though. I figured, she went down on ME and I am pretty sure none of her “juices” did anything to me, lol.

Anyway, we continue dating, but there was no more sex. I went and got my ass tested, like I planned and I was waiting on her test. She had to go to the doctor for something else and I told her “while you are there, get an HIV test.” She said “okay.” Then she called me later on telling me, the nurse wouldn’t give her the test. I thought that was absurd. The nurse told her, she had to come back and they just didn’t do HIV tests like that. I couldn’t comprehend the foolishness. I thought she was the stupidest nurse ever.

We continued dating and everything was going smoothly. We were making out, but it would stop there. That was cool with me though. I actually liked hanging out and talking.

She finally got a new appointment and took the test. At this point, I already had my results and showed her the paper. So, I was in the clear. Is it me, don’t you just love seeing that negative or “non-reactive” on your paper? I swear, I have felt like putting it on the fridge. Any who, she had to wait a week for the results. No problem.

One day, she called me from work, but she had a weird sound to her voice. I asked her what was going on. She said she had something to tell me. I had no idea, what she would tell me, but I was all ears. She said “I went to the doctor today and they said I am positive. They told me to come back in for counseling. They will be giving me prescriptions for medicines and offered someone to talk to about my results.” I was actually in the bathroom, when she called me. I was just about to take a shower. I sat down on the toilet lid and listened. I couldn’t believe what she was saying to me. I was like “shit” in my head. I was wondering, if I could have it too. Then, I was like NAH, I couldn’t have it too. But, I didn’t say anything yet. I was trying to get as much information as possible. I asked if she was sure and if she saw her paper. She said “yes” to both questions. Hmm, what do I say? I just said “when do you have to go back to the doctor? I will come with you.” I said “I will go with you to your appointments, just let me know when and where.” She did NOT want me to go. She said “this is something, I want to do by myself.” That was fine.  

I was shocked and all I was thinking was “wow” in my head. She says “so, what is going to happen with us?” I told her I didn’t know, but “I know I want to be here for you.” She said okay, “but, do you want to be with me?” I was thinking “woman, you just told me you had HIV, stop asking me so many fucking questions.” I don’t like to make people feel worst or kick them while they are down. I didn’t actually say that thought out loud.

She wanted to know, if we would be breaking up. I told her, I didn’t know what would happen with us, but I wanted to be in her corner. I told her I didn’t know what was going to happen to our relationship. She started getting an attitude with ME. She wanted a definite answer. She thought, I was bullshiting and was going to leave her, but just didn’t want to say so. She said “why would you want to be with me now?” She wanted me to just tell her the real deal. She needed to know. In my mind, I knew I would not put my life in jeopardy for that relationship. I already knew it, but that didn’t mean, I couldn’t be there. I just thought the conversation was too much for me.

She got mad at me and hung up. She told me she would call me later, she couldn’t talk to ME anymore. I said “okay.” I let her hang up, I didn’t really have anything else to say.

For the next few hours, my mind was racing. I was thinking she had HIV and what if she gave it to me “that one time.” I was kicking myself, but I didn’t think I had it though. I just thought, this is how shit happens though. You move too damn fast and BOOM infected! I was like “I am not breaking my rule again, fuck that shit!” Now, I had to go get tested again, to ease my mind. Then, I was thinking about that incubation period. You won’t even know for 3-6 months. So, I had to wait. No point in taking a test right then. I was so fucking stressed out. I didn’t call anyone and I didn’t tell anyone. I was just in my head alone.

I needed to talk about this some more. So, I called her back, after a few hours. I was concerned for her and scared for myself a little. So, I was asking, if she knew who could have given it to her. She did not know. Then I was thinking “damn, who is she fucking? How much had she been “dating?” Oh, the stress of it all. We were on the phone in silence. She was asking me if “i didn’t have anything to say.” I didn’t. I was thinking.

After a few hours, she told me “I am just playing.” I was so fucking pissed. I went off! Oh, I went off! Who jokes about AIDS? That was the most “unfunniest” joke ever told. I was so mad. I didn’t want to even speak. She thought I was overreacting. Me! Get the hell out of here! I was acting reasonably! She tells me “you are the one that loves to joke, but you can’t take a joke.” What? Yes, I love jokes, but funny ones! Yes, I like to laugh, at funny shit. This was NOT funny and nothing to make jokes about. I just hung up on her ass. I had nothing else to say. She was calling me for days — no answer. She was an asshole. I was so mad at her! She thought I was overreacting and didn’t see why I couldn’t get over it. After all, she “didn’t have AIDS.”

She claimed she came to my house with flowers and an apology. I didn’t know, because I didn’t answer the phone or check messages. After a few days, I started talking to her again. I don’t even know why. She deserved to never be spoken to again. Who would even wish that on themselves?

We broke up not too long afterwards.

PSA: Protect yourself.

According to a study, the HIV rate is five times higher than the CDC’s previous estimate in black American women. The numbers are comparable to the HIV rates found in the general population, in many sub-Saharan African countries. It is so outrageous! There are so many people who do NOT know their status. Testing is free, why not get it done? I know there is fear, but it is necessary. I remember the first time I took the test, I didn’t go back for the results. I was so afraid. I wasn’t even sleeping around, but I was still scared. That “one time” could have caused an infection. I ended up getting over my fear and taking the test again. I get tested regularly now.

It is easier than you think to be infected. Get tested for yourself and for others.

I am glad neither of us were positive, but it could have easily been the case.

11 Comments

  1. Wow. That wasn’t even close to being a joke.

    Sort of off topic; I’m not sure if I could date a woman who didn’t like anyone going down on her. I know that there are a lot of bois who don’t like it but I would miss doing it.

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  2. I have read all your blogs but none have made me feel like this. One time of watching someone you love and respect die from this horrible disease is enough to never be capable of seeing it as a joke. This girl was twisted in a bad way, I’m amazed you found the capacity to be around her at all after her “joke”. I can’t imagine.

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  3. um yea…that wasn’t cool…I wouldn’t trust shit after that…I’d be thinking that she really was positive and somehow she created fake results to show that she was negative because she didn’t want to lose me. EFF that!

    I have been getting tested for years. At first I just did it because I “had to” for work. Now I get tested about every six months when i donate blood…they automatically test for it…but when my iron levels are too low to donate, I just wait to get tested during my next gynecological visit.

    I went through a ho phase back in the day…actually..it was 4 years ago…I slept with so many women…I figured since I wasn’t messing with them at the same time..back to back would not be a problem. UGH! I was so stupid…but I don’t know what made me stop…that moment in my life is just so fuzzy…It was about partying-traveling-blowing money-and being a ho…

    Emptyways, I am glad that I dodged that HIV bullet…but now that you mention it…I didn’t think to ask Haiti to get checked. I guess her OCD makes me feel comfortable….I just slept with her without even thinking about it. Nurses get tested often right??? Ugh now I am scared…I am going to ask her tonight :-/

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  4. I do not really believe the stat about Black women and HIV- they tested a small number of at risk Black women and that is supposed to represent ALL Black women.Get tested and be safe…and yes, she was an immature asshole.

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    1. Yea, they did test an at risk bunch of women. So, obviously their numbers would be higher. But, at risk meant inner city, poor, etc. That could be so many communities around the United States. So, if each community has high numbers, that could be pretty bad.

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  5. Wow! I felt scared and sorry for her as I read this and when I saw it was a joke I felt pissed, so I can only imagine how mad you were at her. That’s not even close to funny. What an eejit. You’re good for even bothering with her afterwards.

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  6. I would’ve been done dating after the worst joke ever. That’s not even a homosexual thing. If any guy I’d ever dated had played that joke on me, it would’ve set up a mental block as well. Plain and simple, that shit ain’t funny. When millions of people die because of it, that shit ain’t funny.

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