Hypothetically Speaking…

What if the person you loved, broke a monogamous agreement?

What if their “crime” had the potential of breaking up a “happy” home? 

What if the “crime” was cheating years earlier?

What if a child was conceived? 

What if you loved this person and had already planned on spending your life together?

Would you walk away or would you stay?

I was listening to Lyfe Jennings on Pandora and his song “Hypothetically” came on today.

In this song, they were asking these questions.

Would you want to know?

15 Comments

  1. Nah, wouldn’t make sense to know about it given that once the knowledge was out in the open, the relationship would probably go straight into the toilet; we are so fond of punishing someone we love for stuff they did BEFORE we met them and fell in love with them. The real question, which people love avoiding, is whether or not any of the above is supposed to make a difference and I’m thinking that most people would rather walk away…

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  2. If it’s before my time, then I would have to base our relationship on us. If it was during our time….ooh lord pray for me because I don’t think I could handle it **shrugs** but who knows how the heart would react…

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    1. If it was before my time, I can move past it. I think I may even try to move past it if I were lied to in the beginning. It depends on what happens and how it could/would effect me. If something happened during the relationship, I really do not know if I would stay. I would feel so betrayed. There was a story about an elderly couple that was divorcing. The man found out the woman cheated on him when they were much younger. They were in their 90’s and he was divorcing.

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      1. It is sad that he could not look back and see that their marriage, even though a mistake was made, was great. I guess I am assuming it was great, maybe they had a horrible marriage the entire time, and this gave him the out he had been looking for. I just do not see, if they were happily married, throwing it away for a mistake made years ago. And why would she have told him 20+ years later (I am assuming it was before they were in their 70’s). Some things you take to your grave, especially if it was once and you never did it again.

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  3. Having been cheated on before being engaged but while talking about being married….it is forgivable. If a child was concieved it would add a level of difficulty but it could be dealt with. Cheating is never forgettable but it is forgiveable and great things can still happen. Good post!

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  4. Things like this happen, whether on purpose or just because shit happened. Now, whether events of this nature are allowed to destroy an otherwise good relationship makes all the difference in the world. You have to believe in the love you have for each other and know that is proof against the mistakes we can make… and the with sure knowledge that at some point, mistakes will be made by both people involved. It’s like I’ve said here lately: It’s not that you make mistakes – it’s how you recover from them that makes all the difference.

    Sure, it breaks the faith regardless of why it happened… but we tend to act as if once broken, the faith can never be healed and repaired. An apt analogy is breaking an arm: Once broken, it can be reset and it will heal, sometimes with difficulty but it will heal and once healed, the broken area is now stronger than the original, unbroken bone.

    I knew my ex cheated on me before we were married; she cheated on me after we were married and, yup, it was a real bitch to learn these things. Yet, we stayed married for 33 years after the fact… because the love we had for each other was never damaged. Trust took a hit big time to be sure and paybacks were in the offing… and all it did was show us how childish we were behaving in all of this because the greatest fallacy we have in any of this is to actually believe that we can be all that the other person will ever want and need.

    You stay in a relationship long enough, you learn this is pure bullshit and a very dangerous way to be in a relationship. Most people wouldn’t want to know these things; better to act as if they never happened. Most people, upon learning these things, are ready to pack it all in and call it a day and never attempt to fix the problems that caused the infidelities in the first place.

    This is how fragile we are emotionally. If it is true that life isn’t fair, then being in a long-term and meaningful relationship just adds to the unfairness. We’re so geared to leading with our emotions more than our logic, intelligence, and even common sense because our emotions are our weak points.

    Is cheating forgivable? It really is, you know. But you have to look past the act and look at the cause to be able to do this and, hmm, a lot of us can’t do this. We can’t see that by holding the other person to such high standards, we’ve given them reason to seek out the path of least resistance because it is in our nature to do that which is the easiest thing to do and anything other than that is too much like work.

    And, check this out: If monogamy wasn’t so rigid in its structures and premises, cheating would never be a problem and you really, seriously, have to think about what you’re asking of yourself and someone else when you want to bind them to you until death do you part. My marriage lasted 30-plus years, longer than most – even longer than our parents’ attempts at it. It wasn’t without its inherent problems and the reason why it lasted as long as it did was because WE DIDN’T LET THE PROBLEMS BEAT US. We didn’t let them deter us from the path we set ourselves upon when we first met. We overcame; we adapted and, yeah, we even forgave the transgressions.

    This is what love does. It’s not about investments; it’s really about whether or not you can do all that shit you said you could do at day one: To love each other, no matter what happens. To do anything less than that smells to high heaven, in my opinion.

    If you think shit can’t happen, then you’re sorely misinformed. We act as if it’s never supposed to happen so when it does, there’s never any excuse for it, like, um, it’s a crime to be a human being, an animal known to be imperfect in a great many ways.

    That’s also why you never make promises you know you will never be able to keep… but that’s something else we do, too – and even if we’re not married to each other!

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    1. Damn, K, you really broke it down. I have to say, I agree with it all. I say, I don’t know if I could deal with this information. I think the decision has a lot to do with where you are in your life. If you 20 and married, that would probably mean divorce. If you are 40 and married, or 50, or what ever age, you may look at it different. It would make me look at the situation different.

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      1. Aw, you know it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t break it down, right? But, you see, you have to be able to deal with the information because ignoring it/running away from it may not be the smart thing to do. Age isn’t relevant in this except that the younger you are, the more mistakes you’re likely to make; no, what is relevant is being able to stick to the commitment to love each other no matter what, a commitment made at the very beginning of things. You just cannot lose faith in the power of your love for each other and its ability to withstand any fuckups that may come your way.

        It’s not about where you are in your life: It is about what you want in this regard; it’s about wanting a love that can, as I said, stand as proof against human frailty and imperfection. Ya might go and have a fling with someone… but what does that have to do with our love for each other and more so when our love does work despite such things?

        Oh, I could preach about this for days on end. See, it kinda doesn’t make sense to demand to be loved in a certain way or expect to be loved in a certain way; it’s really about one’s ability to love regardless of how it progresses because the love, in and of itself, is the most important thing. Like, if you and I were in a relationship, one of the things I’d tell you about this is, okay, yeah, someone else could have your body… but if our love is strong and true, your heart will always belong to me… and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day. Ya might go have sex with someone else… but you will always come home to me and simply because you know you are loved here – and for more than just the pleasures of your body.

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  5. That’s a powerful song and those are some powerful questions.

    My feet would tell me to run. My heart would tell me to stay. My mind would tell me to think before I act.

    What would I do? I have no idea! lol

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