Is there someone in your life that reacted negatively to your sexuality?

About 9  years ago my grandmother chose to go temporarily insane. I had never officially “come out” to her and I really had no intentions on doing so. My grandmother is 89 now, so she was 80 at the time. Attempting to get her to change her mind, is a waste of time — Big waste of time.

Back then, I dressed like a boi every single day. I wasn’t even bothering with feminine clothes. My sisters used to wear my clothes and then my brothers wore my clothes too. Little by little all my femme clothes disappeared; my sisters no longer even gave things back. I didn’t really care though. I had a new issue — trying to get things back from my brothers. One of my brothers would wear your things to death. When he was done with it, it was over. There was no returning it. So, I had to be on my job for shit I really liked.

I guess, because I gradually started changing my way of dress, it really wasn’t a big deal. My grandmother would buy boxers and t-shirts for my uncle (her son) and she would give them to me, if she bought the wrong size. I would wear boxers in the house and that was cool. I still do that now actually. What can I say, I like comfy.

She never bothered me. I wore hats, baggy clothes, jerseys, timbs, etc. She even saw my clothes on my brothers. I still got a wash and set though. A girl gotta have nice hair, right? My hair was long, so I could just do ponytails. Actually, I cared about my hair less during that time. I wasn’t treating it as good as I should have, but I still had some, lol.

Oh, I lived and was raised with my grandmother. We all call her Mama.

One day one of my hatin-ass cousins decided to want to say stuff. I was at her mom’s house and there was a bunch of us there. Out of no where she goes,”my name here  you look like a butch.” I said “Yea?” I then continued what ever was I was doing. What that meant was, they had all been talking behind my back, and she wanted to say something out loud. It was cool, what ever. I was just hoping she left Mama out of her revelation. Mama was fine being blind and I liked it that way. Mama is a huge homophobe. She actually said “all gay people should be put in a pot and burned/killed.” She also thought our governor — at the time was gay because he believed in gay rights. He was a heterosexual married man, but to her he was a “faggot.” I didn’t want to deal. It was clear, I looked gay, but that was it. I didn’t want a coming out party held in my honor.

Oh, I always said something when she made those heinous remarks. We did not see eye-to-eye on those issues.

Another cousin (the hater’s sister) said in front of Mama “why do you have a hat on and you have all that hair” I said “what, I can’t wear hats?” Then I fixed my hat, because she messed it up, with the touching and stuff.

Clearly, they were trying to tell Mama something. I didn’t pay them much attention.

I remember bringing a girl home once. The girl was “straightish.” She was a femme and had never done anything with a female. I was also femme and hadn’t done anything with a female. But, we liked each other. We were just shy and nothing happened between us, yet. Eventually, we kissed and that was that, nothing further. Mama took one look at her and said “I do not want her back in my house.” I was shocked. I thought, how did she know? I was so fresh and green. I hadn’t even touched a woman yet. She knew something. Her exact words included “she looks like a butch.” Huh? The girl was a femme and looked nothing like a butch. I am telling you, older people know shit.

A few years later, I actually had sex with a woman and then a few years after that, I started doing my “boi” thing.

During that time, I had a girlfriend and we went to Atlanta for Allstar weekend. My bestie (I hate the word) went also, but she stayed with her people and my girl and I got a hotel room.

The day I was leaving Atlanta I called to touch base with Mama and she went OFF. I mean OFF! She claims she was “cleaning” my room for me and found some pictures. It was pictures of me and my girl. We were kissing in some of the pictures. I think I had some pictures of an ex- girl in her bra and pants too. I am not sure. But, I know for sure she found pics of us kissing.

I was like WTF! I told my friend and my girl what was going on. They both look sad for me. They knew how she disliked the gayness. My friend has been a friend for almost all of my life and that was the ONLY friend my grandmother liked. Maybe, she sensed she was straight — she was. Plus, she had a kid, so that must mean straight right? Yea, ok.

Anyway, she was calling me names and carrying on. Then she hung up on me. I was on my way to the airport to go home. *sigh*

I wasn’t going to go home. I was going to stay with my girl, but I decided to just go and deal. When I got home, I could not get into my apartment. My grandmother took my mattress out of my room and put it behind the door. Once I struggled and pushed my way in, I saw lots of garbage bags. I just sighed; I was so tired. I think I was crying. I really had no where to go at that time. Well, I didn’t want to go anywhere at that time. It was late. She stayed in her room, she may have been sleeping though. I dragged my mattress back to my room. I laid down on the bare mattress and went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up really early and packed a bag. I packed enough things to fit in my trunk.

I went to my mom’s house and told her what happened. She thought my grandmother “lost a screw.” So, I just stayed over there for a while. I didn’t call home; I just left it alone. She didn’t want me there, so I left. I didn’t feel like making excuses. I really didn’t even know what I was going to say when we spoke.

My brother called me and told me Mama was looking for me. She did not know where I was staying. He didn’t know either actually. He called my mom and she told him I was there, so we spoke.

Apparently, my grandmother wanted me to come back home. She called me and asked me to come back and told me she loved me. I said ok, and I went back. I didn’t go back full-time. I was going back and forth.

When we finally spoke, she asked me if I was a “faggot.” I told her faggots were men, lol. She did not appreciate the correction. Now, that I was kinda back home, I didn’t even want to talk about it. But, she was relentless. I told her I wasn’t gay. Yes, I said that. I didn’t know how to just say it straight up. I know she saw the pictures, but still. As a matter a fact, my girlfriend came over one time too. She said the same thing about her too. She was super-duper femme, but she also “looked like a butch.” She had a cute short cut. Not, like a boi though. She went to the salon etc. But, Mama saw boi. I think she realized way before I did, that I was gay.

Yea, so I told her I wasn’t gay, but I kissed a girl. I just “tried” it, but I didn’t like it. Yep, I said it. The woman saw the damn pictures in color, and I still said Nope, not me. LOL, at me. That’s what she wanted to hear, she saw the fucking pictures. I obliged.

She looked at me, like I thought she was stupid. Whatev! Leave me alone. I am trying to bring some peace to her damn life. If I had said “yes, Mama, I am a lesbian. I LOVE eating pussy. The reaction I get is soooooooooooo fucking hott. I like to run my hands all over a woman’s body. I like playing hard to get, so they reallllllllly show me a good time, when they get my cookies.” HAHAHA, she would have passed the f*ck out! So, I decided to just try to move past this whole thing with a lie. She knew I was lying, but I think she felt a level a respect or something. She felt respected enough, to be lied to. Get it?

I never brought another woman home again. I just let the sh*t go. She knew and I knew.

Whew, I talked your heads off. *Smooches*

7 Comments

  1. Nah, if your grandmother is anything like mine were, she would have killed you first – then passed out. Them old folks just don’t have a sense of humor about ANY stuff like that! I’ve had a lot of people react negatively to my sexuality but no one in my immediate family. For the others, well, I heard what that had to say and the funny/ironic part is they weren’t concerned about me in this – it was all about how it made them feel – how weird is that? And while some of it kinda hurt, I just said to them that I was sorry they felt that way, but this is about me and not about you so, well, see ya, I guess.

    Your story was so heartbreaking ’cause I can’t imagine what it took for you to lie to your grandmother…

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  2. Wow. I was really into what you wrote. Partly because I’ve had similar experiences and partly because you are a great writer. I mean really you should take this post and turn it into a novel. I read a lot of lesbian fiction/ non-fiction and this is really good.

    My family has pretty much disowned me at this point. I lost my parents when I was young but my mom knew and totally ignored that I’m a lesbian. I’ll admit her ignoring it kind of hurt more than if she had gone off on me.

    I told my mom’s sister over the phone and a couple of days later when I called her she had changed her number. Lol Now almost no one in my fam speaks to me. Which is very weird. I mean I’m a law abiding, fairly successful woman and yet they treat me like I was a mass murderer or something.

    Anyway, sorry you and your grandmother had a hard time. I know those things she said hurt. Sorry you had to hear that.

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  3. All of my grands have passed on but your post got me thinking. Dad’s side are total fundys so I’d get the old hellfire and brimstone with a bonus round of eternal damnation,

    Mom’s side, hmm. G’Pa would have been all “WTF son? Ain’t women enough for you? You get some bad pussy in the army or some shit? What you need is a good weekend at the Mustang Ranch…” I don’t think he’d hate on me but he wouldn’t fully comprehend and would think that if he could find the right hooker for me I’d be cured.

    G’Ma – If I were purely gay: “Whatever you like, honey.” Since I’m bi & married but allowed to go out and play with the boys: “Well, I don’t know, dear. It sounds awfully confusing to me.”

    All in all, kinda glad I didn’t have to have those conversations…

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