20 Comments

I really would like some input on something serious…

I am interested in starting a non-profit to change our cycle of fatherless children and I would love some feedback. Fatherless children have become the norm. By fatherless, I mean not in the household, not involved or minimally involved. I truly believe this has a huge impact on our community and our children. I will save all that I have to say for another day, but! If something could be done with/for the fathers to change the situation, what would it be? What do you think will change this negative situation? If your could offer the men something, what would it be? What would you do? If you could help to strengthen the father/child bond, how would you do it? There will be more on this to follow, but I wanted to throw this out there. Also, this isn’t the bash the man/father moment. I am sure we can do that another time. I am pretty much taking a detailed-serious-poll. I am going to re-post this a few times to keep it fresh and to give people a chance to respond.

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20 comments on “I really would like some input on something serious…

  1. I would love to donate to something like this. Family structure is lacking with the black community. I think that if all black women said that we’re not sleeping with any man that doesn’t have his shit together this wouldn’t be a problem. Plus, the government promotes single motherhood in the black community. Like you said this goes way deeper.

    • It goes way way deeper. Even if women decided not to sleep with the men, that doesn’t guarantee he will stick around, even with his shit together. I don’t know, but I have made this a mini-project for myself. I am really interested in change and even helping locally. Something has got to give. How do you think the government promotes single motherhood? I see stepping in with welfare. But, I am not sure what you mean.

  2. I wish you much luck with this one because what you have to do, in my opinion, is teach these men how to be a man and that if he’s about taking care of his business, that business also includes any children he may sire. As the saying goes, any man can make a baby… but not every man can be a father. It’s about teaching accountability and responsibility along with dealing with the consequences of one’s own actions and, sadly, there aren’t enough men out there willing to do this kind of work – it’s easy to hit that pussy, knock her up, blame it on her, then walk away as if he didn’t have a thing to do with it.

    You have to teach these guys to stop acting like uncouth, irresponsible niggers…

    Not sleeping with a dude who doesn’t have his shit together might sound like a great idea… but then you wind up penalizing the guy who struggles to do the right thing but can’t catch a break. Love doesn’t care about material things and it sends the wrong message by saying that a woman’s love and affection comes with a price tag attached to it. But in all fairness, define “having his shit together” for me? Whose idea of having his shit together is going to be the reference point – yours or his?

    LB, the thing I think is going to be hard for you in this is having to deal with men who aren’t going to like a woman telling them what they need to do to be a real man in their eyes where children are concerned. It’s a noble cause, though…

    • Having your shit together when it comes to children is that you can provide everything the child needs to have a good lifestyle. If you can barely take care of yourself you probably shouldn’t be having a kid. Love sounds good and all until you have to buy diapers, formula and all the other expenses that go into having children.

      • Cool – I can certainly buy into that. I was raised in a period of time that if you knocked a girl up, you assume the full responsibility – or else. There was no walking away, no shirking the responsibility and duty but it’s clear that there are a lot of men out there who didn’t learn this or feel that it doesn’t apply to them.

      • Word. People glorify having children and although it is a wonderful experience it is not always easy. It is expensive and you are constantly learning. You have to want to do it and I think once you have a child, you should want to do it. It isn’t fair any other way. A lot of these guys out here can’t take care of themselves and are waiting for some woman to come along to take them in like puppies.

  3. The government promotes single motherhood by making single motherhood seem ok. The myth of the strong independent black woman. You don’t need a man to do anything for you. Black women are the only group of women who say this. A woman has all the choice but no responsibility. There’s at least 10 types of birth control. A woman can drop her baby at a church with no questions asked. A man will go to jail if he doesn’t pay child support. A woman is more likely to get custody of the child even if the dad can provide more. Plus you can be responsible to pay child support for a kid that’s not even yours. The government acts like the pimp, the man is a trick and the woman is a ho. I’ve heard women say they don’t believe in abortions but have sex with multiple men raw. That doesn’t even make sense to me. Until everyone is on a even playing field nothing is going to change. Men and women should share equal responsibility.

    • The government promotes this attitude? Exactly how does the government do this? Yep, I’ve heard a great many Black women utter that, “I don’t need no man to do shit for me!” epitaph, only for them to find out that they really do. Being that strong and independent Black woman is all well and good… but there’s some common sense that goes along with this like understanding that they’re not an island unto themselves.

      If anything – and because of the cause LB’s undertaking, a lot of Black women are forced to be strong and independent and not needing a man to give them any more shit than he did when he impregnated her and left her holding the bag. Yes, I agree: A lot of Black women probably need to take more responsibility for their actions in this, like using their head instead of thinking with their pussy because women don’t get pregnant without participating in the conception process.

      But in this, the playing field will never be level and while equally sharing the responsibilities of bringing a life into this world is the right and just thing to do, there will always be those people who’s only concern is the next time get can get laid and to hell with any subsequent consequences.

      Black men and women really need to understand that even in this, there’s no such thing as a free lunch…

      • Again, women are told don’t worry white daddy will take care of you. Take this little bit of food, rent. If the playing feel is not going to be even shouldn’t the person with the most choices take the most responsibility?

        • The women are a whole other topic. I personally say, stop fucking these men altogether. You see the team I play for, lol. But, really though women are trained in this fucked up system. They are trained to be no more than their looks and their bodies. They are trained that sex is for men. They are trained to take abuse. They are trained to believe a man is there to take care of you financially. And sex is the key to being taken care of financially. Poverty is a bitch. They are trained to be used for sex. They are trained to be victims. They are raised without fathers and never understood or felt a man’s love that wasn’t attached to sex. They don’t know what it feels like to be truly loved by a man, for who she is. Personally, I think a lot of what is wrong with men and women stems from not having their father around as a second parent.

          • I think that’s a cop out. You have plenty of male father figures in a family. If you don’t have your father that shouldn’t be an excuse. You would still have a uncle, older cousin, something. If your father isn’t around it’s your moms job to put other males around you who will be a positive influence. Usually your mom tells you how messed up you are because of your dad. Again, women are the ones who think they’re the best parent for the kids. That’s not working anyone. The black community is run by women and look at the state of it.

      • Single mothers are forced to be strong and they have little choice in being independent. They must be independent, what is the alternative? Kill yourself? Because NO ONE is coming to save you or help you. Once you do so much by yourself, you feel a sense of pride in surviving. Everyone doesn’t survive. Everyone can’t hack it. The strong will last and let me tell you single mothers are strong! After a while you start feeling like “this is hard, but I got this.”So, being strong and independent is a good thing and something they have little choice in becoming.

        • The women who are raising children by themselves aren’t calling themselves strong and independent. They’re usually just handling business and doing what they need to do. Women who are calming independence are usually not independent. You can’t call yourself independent when you’re getting help from the system. You can’t call yourself independent when your getting child support.

    • I strongly believe the responsibility of children should be shared equally. I am not sure the government makes it seem like being a single parent is okay.The government is playing daddy to a lot of kids and is sitting and waiting for repayment from the real daddies. It is a crazy cycle actually. Yes, I do believe women feel like they don’t need men for shit. But, it is bullshit. Men are needed as fathers, if they fathered a child. Period. He may not be needed for much else, but his children need him. It is a hard situation, because the women usually want them to be fathers, but don’t want them around because they aren’t good men/husbands. So, they dismiss him totally, acting like his children do not need him. That is the stupidest shit in the world to me. If he is good with and for the children, let that be his role. Yes, I do understand people need time to get over shit, but after that time is over, do not hinder him from being a parent.

      The other aspect of this is the men who really are not interested. The women are just fine with them being fathers and only fathers. They do not want it. They sometimes what the whole family and if that is not an option, they bail on everyone. Or they just do not want to be tied down to children. Or they are just really fucked up selfish people who have not looked at the bigger picture. I am just super tired of seeing these kids out here.

      This father told me about a dads day that was held at his daughter’s school and he said he told the teachers not to do it anymore. He felt bad for the fatherless kids. He is a present dad in his home that he shares with this 6 children and wife, but he felt bad for the kids who did not have that. I mean I feel that way too. Having a dad day at school, just makes the kids feel like shit.

      A lot of men are continuing the dysfunctional cycle. If you have never been loved, it is hard to show love. I know guys who say they are afraid when they find out they are going to have a child; they do not want to be their own father. I know guys who just bail because they don’t know how to be a father without ever trying.

  4. All men are not going to take responsibility. That’s just the facts of the situation. We all know in the black community we have professional baby daddies. These are men who knock women up and live off them. This is only going to change if women do not sleep with these men. Also, we have to step up the education in the Black community. The school system is the worst in the world and that’s by design. Schools where Black children are the majority are being closed down by the hundreds.What do you think these kids are going to do? Because black people don’t own anything we can’t employee these kids. We don’t work together so building a school is not going to happen. That leaves babies, drugs and jail.

  5. After reading everyone’s comment I almost forgot what I wanted to say. Emptywayz I have about 3,000 things to say lol. I think there are a number of reasons why fathers are absent. A number of reasons why fathers are absent even when they are physically present. We can debate for days about what we think men and women should be doing in the home, how he or she should carry his or her load…blame the government for sticking there nose in everyone’s business like usual…but at the end of the day both sexes are responsible for fatherless homes…and the real issues will always exist. WHAT DO THESE MEN NEED??? Someone mentioned that welfare was designed to help women. Well maybe there needs to be a welfare system designed to help men.

    1. EDUCATION: some of these men might have dropped out of high school or college so that he could work to take care of his family, but cant progress because most jobs demand higher degrees.

    POSSIBLE SOLUTION: I do believe that welfare helps both parents go to school so that they can get out of poverty (not sure). But what if the family is not receiving welfare? at your men’s center you can help men search for scholarships/grants. Some men do not return to school because he cant afford to take out a loan. A lot of people do not receive grants or scholarships because they are too lazy to look for one that he or she may qualify for. There could also be a fund that can help the men pay for child support while they go to school so that if he needs to work part time while he goes to school he can still help the children’s mother take care of the kids.

    2. MONEY: A lot of issues stem from the father not making enough money or making any money period. .

    SOLUTION: Actually have volunteers who can offer real RESOURCES, instead of just motivational speeches. Get some men who own their own businesses, or have connections. If these guys can get better jobs then money wont be an issue. My business instructors always say the same thing “sometimes its not what you know, but who you know”

    3. MOTIVATION: Some men have to come home to a naggin wife or gf who complains about how he ain shit because of his low or no pay. The biggest support system that a man has is first anything that he thinks is above himself (like a God for example); next his woman/family, and then everything else follows. If he doesn’t believe in something, then how will he make sense of this world and his purpose in it? and when I say believe in something I am not just talking about God, because a lot of people believe in science, or other things. If his woman does not motivate or support him, who will?

    SOLUTION: offer counseling that will help men understand women more. a place where he can vent about his personal issues with his woman, and get feedback from creditable individuals. Like men counselors who have been married for 20 years.Help him identify clear and realistic goals so that he knows what he is working for or toward. Be that motivation that he is not getting at home. I am a woman, and I go through this shit with my own wife. She doesn’t support my goals sometimes, but I am strong enough to motivate myself. I use her negativity as fuel to motivate me to get to where I want to be. Some people aren’t like that. if they don’t have the support at home they go crazy. Me I just tell her to shut the eff up and she wont see a dime when I make it big as a rapper..J/k

    These are just a few suggestions. These are all issues that my dad “claimed” he had.

    My dad wasn’t in the picture much because my mom kicked his ass to the curb because he wanted to cheat and smoke weed lol..but seriously. Now that I hear his side of the story, I kinda see why he just said eff it. He said he missed us, but he was too ashamed to come around because he knew my mom was talking shit. A poor excuse but I get it. Most of the time the Children are not a reason why a father is not a Dad. IT is everything else in his life. I think if you talk to most of these absent fathers, their biggest excuse would be “the mother wont let me see them” or “I already pay an arm and leg for child support aint that enough?” ..or ” I cant afford to do shit for my kids so they are better without me”….Its about money and issues with the mother. Then you have the other type of father who just doesn’t give a damn. Wants to be a 21 year old whore for life. He wants to be a child himself and have his woman take care of him and the kids. But in that case you cant fully blame the men. Some women allow men to be unproductive. The point of all of this is you should try to build the men up. If he is happy in all or most aspects of his life there is a better chance that he will be a better dad. The man is going to have to WANT to be a part of his children’s life. You can only help those who want to help themselves.

    • Welfare doesn’t really help people go to school. But, if you are poor you can usually get financial aid to attend school. And if you are on welfare, you are required to work or go to school to avoid doing the work program to find a job. That work program is a program of bullshit. The only jobs they offer are pretty much minimum wage. So, there is not real step up.

      I love the idea of a fund to help pay child support while they are in school. That way he has a chance to being educated and can contribute financially once he graduates.

      I love the idea of building a network of businesses who will sign up to offer jobs to these men. That is a great idea. I would want them to offer jobs that pay a living wage, not minimum wage. Girl, you are using your brain over there! lol

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